I thought about writing an extensive literal month-by-month small novel of my year, but after I started, I changed my mind. Why?  In doing so, I described some events or feelings that I kind of don’t want to think about right now.  To publish some of those details would provide clarification or explanation of the many new things, good and not-so-good, that I experienced in 2011.  However, I don’t think such an elaborate factual, chronological rehash of my year is really worth writing.  It would probably place far too much emphasis on the negatives and not adequately acknowledge the positives—particularly those with which I am taking with me into 2012.  I’d much rather focus on milestones and achievements, rather than the unfortunate details.

This December, I am not carrying the same baggage with me into the next year like I did twelve months ago.  In January, I unpacked those troubles in a misguided attempt to like myself, to control something in my life when I felt like my choices everywhere else were taken away or didn’t matter.  The day I downloaded the MyFitnessPal app onto my iPod was my first step into channeling my low self-esteem and negative body image into an unhealthy daily regimen.  Restricting and overexercising (relative to my caloric intake) took over my life in a manner of weeks.  I was not in control.  My preexisting depression (then undiagnosed) began to reach a new level.  I delved into the world of self-injury by cutting.  I did not like who I was or who I was becoming.

After a particularly low moment, I somehow found a second of reason and courage to reach out for help.  I knew that what I was doing would not lead me anywhere good.  Matt was the first person who came to mind.  Although we weren’t exactly close, I liked and respected him a lot, and he was one of the few people I know who asked, “How are you?” in passing and actually stopped to hear and care about the answer.  He could tell I was having a rough time.  At the end of February, he set aside some time to talk and listen to me, even though I had no idea how to express what I wanted to say.  Nothing magical happened that day such that everything would soon be good, but it was the first time I had ever talked about my problems, fears, and insecurities with someone I knew and cared about.  Ultimately, Matt could not provide the support that I needed (but thankfully, he was straightforward about his discomfort with the situation and being a confidant).  However, because he gave me the time and his ears that day, I think I relieved the burden of a keeping a secret and realized some strength to get professional help sooner than I would have otherwise.

Eventually, at the end of March, my faculty/research advisor gave me an ultimatum: either I arrange for an appointment at the university health center, or he would have me removed from the International Research Experience for Undergraduates (IREU) program in Austria.  (He had eventually asked me directly if I had a problem with eating, and because I was significantly less productive than I had been before, I thought he deserved the truth out of me.  I did not tell him I cut and denied thoughts of suicide.)  I genuinely thought he would do it.  Initially, I refused, but after cutting and venting a lot of steam to my friend Chris during our lab course, I decided to go down to the health center.  My best friend Nicole walked down with me, and I made an appointment.  That was my first step toward recovery.

For the remainder of the semester, I had regular medical, nutritional, and counseling appointments.  I really only connected with Lisa, the nutritionist, probably because she was knowledgeable about what I was going through, and she could put things in biochemical terms that I could believe.  But at first, I was resistant.  I wasn’t underweight.  I had only lost eleven pounds.  However, I refused to get blood tests, which worried her because, based on what I was doing to my body, she genuinely feared that I could possibly be at a dangerously low potassium level—like, heart attack zone.  This didn’t scare me enough to change.  I thought her meal plan idea was useless.  I was just not open to taking her help.  It took two things provided the motivation for me to consider Lisa’s advice: running the Mountain Goat race I had on May 1st, and Don, an acquaintance who came out of the woodwork to reach out and be a real supporter for me.

One day, also at the end of March, I came down the stairs from my linear algebra professor’s office in the Physics Building.  I had missed a few classes in recent weeks and wanted to know where we were for the homework assignments, since it was not clear in the syllabus because we went out of order in the textbook.  He didn’t answer my question, accused me of rarely being in class (I had been to 85% of lectures!), and assumed I was doing poorly, despite being only a few points shy of the highest grade in the class on the first exam.  I was upset, and I guess I looked upset because when I was about to leave the building, I ran into Don as he was entering.  He was my TA in General Physics my freshman year, so we said hi.  When I returned to my lab (my hideaway, since I was basically the only member of the group), I checked my email and saw that he had sent me a message asking if I was okay.  From there, he became an amazingly supportive sounding board for me, and he’s stuck by me through thick and thin.

It was about a week after I told him exactly what was going on that I started to follow Lisa’s outline of a typical meal plan.  Running hadn’t been going well, and I decided that perhaps the new pains I had been experiencing were related to the new lows I had been hitting with eating.  I had seventeen days until the Mountain Goat, and personally, I needed to do it.  In the past few months, I had discovered that I actually enjoyed running—separate from the calorie burning aspect!  I had to do that race.  So I found the courage to face my fears and challenge the thoughts that forbade me from eating more than x calories daily… and it wasn’t terrible!  I was still well below where I needed to be in terms of calories, but in terms of food groups, I followed Lisa’s outline pretty damn well.  I think she was astounded, actually, when I told her.  Each week when we met, she gave me a new calorie goal, I took the responsibility to get reasonably close or meet it daily.  I still wasn’t eating enough regularly by the time I ran my race, but I finished and enjoyed it, and I continued to improve nutritionally afterward (mostly because I signed up for my first half-marathon later that month).  By the end of the semester, I had reached an acceptable daily caloric intake, even if doing it every day was a big challenge.  Lisa was impressed.  I could hardly believe it, either.  But I guess I was starting to do better and it was noticeable.  One thing I most remember is walking by Matt in the hallway, and he stopped his conversation with someone just to say to me, “It’s good to see you smiling again.”

As I mentioned, it was the end of the semester, and many of my friends graduated.  Because I had skipped Gen Chem to take Orgo my freshman year, I was close with a lot of the senior chemistry and biochemistry majors instead of those in my year.  I went to see them at the open reception in the Life Science Building, and I got to say my goodbyes to those I cared about a lot: brothers of Alpha Chi Sigma and friends from my “Chem Group”—namely, Catherine, Pat, Denis, and Chris.  They’re awesome people whom I miss dearly at times (except Pat, who stuck around for grad school and turned down Berkeley).

That summer, I spent ten weeks in Europe for the IREU program.  I cannot express just how lucky I am to have experienced everything that I got to do there and to have met some really awesome people.  Although I struggled on many days with eating and body image, self-injury, and depression, overall, I think I did extremely well, and I was probably in the best situation I could be.  When things got hard, I wrote to Don, who helped me out immensely.  I could be 100% honest with him.  When food concerns came up, I emailed Lisa, who assisted me on that end.  Frankly, I think I would have relapsed had I stayed home or continued to do research for the same group I did in Summer 2010, so I was in a good position.  This summer, I got to work in the Institute for Physical and Theoretical Chemistry at TU Graz in Graz, Austria.  We did some magnetic resonance work and photochemistry that truly interested me, and my group was really supportive and welcoming.  I absolutely love the two members with whom I worked most closely, Michal and Dimi, and I grew really close with my roommate Hannah.

Actually, it was a huge blessing to have Hannah as a roommate; she was interested in running and working out for FITNESS purposes. It wasn’t about weight.  It was just about enjoying herself and getting stronger.  She ate to fuel her body.  She ate when she was hungry.  She ate when she wanted to.  She’s also a vegetarian, so she ate a shit-ton of vegetables and fruit.  Throughout the summer, I learned to respond to my body’s signals, and I also was able to eat things I enjoyed and try new foods… and NOT feel guilty if it was “unhealthy” or “too much” at one time.  Hannah helped to motivate me to continue with my workouts outside of just sticking to my running schedule (marathon training!) because she started to train for her second marathon and do the same ab routines I did.  We could talk about progress and getting stronger.  For a lot of the summer, I actually felt comfortable in my own skin.

Of course, I also got to travel around Europe on weekends.  Hannah, Anna (the other girl on the program with us), went on several trips, including Innsbruck, Prague, and Dresden.  Program-sponsored trips were to Salzburg and Vienna, so we went with our Austrian hosts, too.  At the end of the summer, Hannah and I went down to Venice for three days.  I had an amazing time.  By the end of the summer, I started to believe that I deserved to be happy.  I deserved to go after what I wanted.

That’s why, when I returned to Syracuse for my senior year, I left my former research group.  On an academic side, I wasn’t learning anything, I wasn’t that interested, and my advisor was incapable of answering questions.  On a personal front, after revealing the problems I was dealing with the previous semester, he insulted and belittled me as a human being, trivialized my struggle to being solvable through vitamin supplements, and said some insensitive things despite his knowledge of my disorder.  Hannah convinced me that I was better off leaving, even if that made me the girl who switched research groups every year, even if I would no longer be working for a professor in the physical chemistry division.  So I joined my former inorganic chem professor’s group, which would prove to be crucial to my recovery down the line.

But before that, I had to hit my lowest point.  In mid-September, I was hospitalized overnight for suicidal intent.  Had Don not called emergency services on me, I would have attempted.  I was terrified that night, and I was shaken up for a while after that.  I didn’t know exactly what had gotten me from thinking about suicide to intending to do it.  The weeks following were extremely difficult, but I did what I could.  The university made me seek counseling (which didn’t help—I’ve had negative experiences with multiple therapists), the Student Assistance Office had an official memo from the Dean sent out to all of my professors, and I started to take the antidepressants (citalopram) prescribed to me when I was at CPEP.  Don met with me, and we talked about that night.  I confessed to my chem buddy Pat what had happened, and he also wound up being far more supportive and understanding as a friend than I realized.  I had a lot of trouble attending classes or getting my schoolwork done because it always seemed to lead me to thinking bad things and killing any energy I had just to breathe a whole day.  I had to cut time I spent in the research lab.  My research advisor was understanding about it, and I must have seemed to be in pretty bad shape because he actually said he was worried about me and told me to take whatever time I needed.

I later confessed to my research advisor what was going on.  I suppose I must have been a wreck that afternoon because he dropped whatever he was doing and talked to me for an hour before I said anything about suicide or depression.  At the end of our conversation, he told me to drop by his office every day just to check in and talk about how I was doing for a few minutes, if I thought it would help.  That offer meant the world to me because it gave me the opportunity to be open and say, “I feel like shit,” without having to ask someone to spare a moment.  It also gave me some stability that I needed. I appreciated this so much. He had no obligation to help me with my psychological battle, and he’s obviously quite a busy man, trying to advance in his career and becoming a new father (his first child was born later in the semester), to name a few responsibilities.

On October 16th, I ran my first marathon.  I also got kicked out of my housing.  I guess my roommates decided they didn’t want a depressed person living with them.

I was moderately homeless for a little while and learned who would stick by me, for better or for worse.  My best friends Katy and Nicole let me live on their couch for a week.  Then, an extremely generous thing happened, and I was able to move into my friend (and little!) Steve’s apartment for the remainder of the semester.  His roommates were totally on board with the idea, and I was able to move in quickly.  My parents were around (and found out about everything) because one of my ex-roommates alerted them in some way, so that actually wound up being helpful… despite how stressful it was for me to admit to them what I was dealing with and hiding since middle school.

My housing situation was now stable, and another good thing happened: a second antidepressant was added for me.  Within a week, I was responding positively to the bupropion.  After about a month, the psychiatrist and I found what seems to be the right dose for me because I have been consistently doing better since then. I think I’m lucky to have found something that worked after only the first change in medication.

That was just after Thanksgiving.  I now have more energy and motivation.  I’ve bottled up my emotions less and released them in less destructive ways.  I recognize more what triggers negative thoughts and emotions in me, and I do my best to avoid them or get past it when those thoughts do arise.  Pat, Don, and my research advisor continue to support me in their own ways.  In the past month, I’ve had moments of total contentment with myself, just the way I am—even if it was only a transient feeling.  I’ve started to believe in myself.  I’ve been able to finish grad school applications, and I’ve even been offered admission by one program already.  I know I still have a lot to work on personally, but I’m getting better.  Most importantly, I believe I can beat depression and get better, and I’m working at it every day to improve.

I have a future.  I want my future.  A few months ago I couldn’t honestly say that.  Now, I’m welcoming 2012 with open arms.  I’m still here, still alive… and fighting.  In 2012, I’m going to graduate with a B.S. in chemistry, and then I’m heading off on my next adventure: graduate school to go for a PhD in physical chemistry.

Goodbye, 2011, you gave me a hell of a time, but I’m going into 2012 stronger and better than before.  Here’s to a happy, healthy, successful new year!

Aside from traveling and running wild through Austria with my American chemist crew, of course I have been doing chemistry. I am enjoying my work, and I like the people in my research group. I don’t feel uncomfortable asking questions, I feel like my contributions are appreciated, and the others are fun to be around. It has been so long since I felt like I could have my questions answered in my research experiences (since the spring of my sophomore year, honestly), and finally I feel like I actually get to learn and accomplish something, instead of just mindlessly fulfill the requests of my PI, who doesn’t know how to explain anything.

I am also doing quite well with my marathon training, and I haven’t skipped out on any of my runs. I got up at 5:00 just to do a 30-minute run before I had to leave for Salzburg last week. Additionally, I haven’t been neglecting the rest of my body, and I have actually been working out, something I’ve never done before. My roommate Hannah and I have both been doing the same ab workouts (though not always at the same time), so we’ve been motivating each other. We’ve just moved dorms, so unfortunately we don’t have a fitness room or free weights anymore, so we’ll have to modify our arm workout. So far I’ve decided to do the 100 Push Ups and the 150 Dips Challenges, since neither of them require equipment. As for my nutritional goals, I have absolutely no idea what my average daily intake is, but I think I am usually within the acceptable range as per my nutritionist’s goals for me. Some days I know I’m not eating enough, but for the most part, I’ve been doing well. The guilt is still there sometimes, but since Hannah has been working out (and she’s now planning to run her second marathon), it helps to see that she is feeding her body more to fuel herself to exercise.

Overall, things have been pretty great. I’m productive at the lab, I’m improving my fitness, I’m getting ready for my first marathon, I’m seeing amazing places, and I’m trying new things. It’s exciting, and I feel like this whole experience is something I really needed for me—for my mental health, self-esteem, and outlook on my life. I’ve been feeling a lot better for the most part, but yes, many days have been quite difficult, too. I’ve been doing my best to get in contact with my friend Don when I feel shitty, since he’s been awesome at listening, and it helps to feel a little less alone. However, I am so glad, grateful, and still awestruck that I am here, and I don’t think I could reasonably be any better off than I am now.

The laser is now ready. However, this time I am letting the computer auto-shim because the past two times, I couldn’t seem to improve it very much. Therefore, I have time to run to the grocery store, and I think I’ll continue writing this while the experiments are running.

This past week has been pretty awesome. On Friday was a big celebration that happens every year toward the end of the semester in Graz, starting off with the annual Kleeblattlauf, which is a four-person relay. The course is 2.2 km for each person (for women, 2.6 for men) mostly through the woods near one of the universities. Since I run singularly on pavement, the terrain was somewhat challenging for me, so thankfully it was quite a short run! However, I had a lot of fun. I ran it with Hannah and Anna, the two other girls who are here on the program with me, and our fourth teammate was Julia, one of the Austrians from the university who has been helping us with administrative things and such. After the race was a HUGE party. In the evening, even more people came than those who participated in the race; there were literally thousands of people in attendance. Fortunately Julia had found a less crowded spot on the tennis courts where we all sat, talked, and enjoyed a drink. (I had my first radler, lemon Ottakringer.)

Then on Saturday, Hannah, Anna, and I took the train to Innsbruck for the weekend. It was a lovely little city, though notably more touristy than Graz, surrounded by mountains with a river running through it. We arrived around 2 pm and wandered around the old squares and along the Inn for a bit until it started to rain. Then we decided to find our hostel¹, which was an adventure in itself. We weren’t quite sure how to get there, and we felt like we were walking around for a long time, in part because it was cold and rainy. However, we did find some really kickass playgrounds along the way, and we are definitely not too old at 21 to stop at every single one of them! I’ll have to post pictures later; some of the playgrounds were pretty awesome. After seeing some of the stuff on them, I decided that my childhood was deprived. Wet blanket Americans would probably deem some of the equipment “too dangerous” for children to play on, but I’ve got to say, if I were a kid in Innsbruck, I would never be sedentary. I’ve noticed that people in Austria seem to be much fitter overall than those in America, and it’s got to have something to do with the accessibility and abundance of sporting areas, playgrounds, bike paths, and running trails in the cities I’ve been to.²

Once we finally found the hostel, we were really tired. We did, however, meet some cool people. The three other people in are room were from Hong Kong, Germany, and London. Anita, the girl from Germany, was so badass! She had BIKED from Munich to Innsbruck, and the next day she was on her way to Italy on her bike! I was so impressed. We went to dinner with her at an Italian restaurant near the hostel, where we all got pizza. There were lots of different kinds to choose from, and I got one called the “Al Capone,” which had broccoli, tomaten, und speck³. It tasted very good, but about a third of the way through, I started to feel uncomfortable about eating more. I couldn’t remember the last time I had let myself have pizza—particularly without guilt—and to me, the personal-sized pizza seemed huge. However, both Hannah and Anna finished theirs without a qualm, so I felt like I had to keep going. Anita did save part of hers to take on her ride for the next day, but she had also had a big bowl of salad. I wound up eating about three-quarters of mine. I think I would’ve felt awkward had I eaten less.

The next day was much better. It got sunny, and Hannah and I went hiking for a couple hours. We took the funicular up and went hiking. We could have taken the cable car higher up the mountain, but we didn’t have that much time, so we went on the hiking trails at the first stop on the mountain, which was Hungerberg about 300 meters up. We did get some great views of Innsbruck when the clouds cleared. However, we both wished that we had had more time to climb up higher and see more, but we had to go back down to meet Anna for lunch and then do other things before taking the train back to Graz that afternoon. I’ll post pictures when I get back to my dorm. Like I said, I’m writing this while running some experiments, so I’m at the lab.⁴

Tomorrow we’re going to Salzburg, so I am sure I’ll have more to talk about then. We are also planning trips to Vienna and Dresden, Germany, in July, and I’m very excited about that. Particularly Dresden—I am a HUGE Slaughterhouse Five and Kurt Vonnegut lover, and supposedly there is a Kurt Vonnegut tour, too! Since we will be there on a weekend, I will have to put in a special request, but I really, really, really hope that they will have a guide available for us. I would seriously be over the freaking moon about this, and I haven’t even bought train tickets to get there yet!

1. It was my first hostel experience. Totally fine!
2. Yeah, I’ve only been to Graz and Innsbruck, but still… so many cyclists, runners, walkers. You really didn’t need to drive to get anywhere. Where I grew up (about 60,000 people), you can’t even walk to the grocery store. Even the park is barely accessible by foot.
3. Broccoli, tomatoes, and bacon. I didn’t know what “speck” was and ordered it anyway because it was the only one that I noticed had broccoli, and I wanted broccoli, haha.
4. I am getting used to the Y and Z being switched, and I am finding some of the symbols better. It still annoys me where the brackets are for when I’m writing HTML!